Ninjas Stole My Robot

#18 Games

2009-06-01T00:46:00.000-07:00

If you play a game of "just the tip" make sure they're 18 and consenting. Otherwise you have to buy them dinner and in this economy that's just expensive.

#17 The Perfect Relationship for People With No Free Time

2009-05-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

1. We meet.
2. You cheat on me.
3. I write Ugly Betty fan fiction while plotting elaborate revenge fantasies.
4. Cry.
5. Write angry blog post about it.
6. Repeat.

#16 Cultural Differences

2009-04-28T17:45:00.001-07:00

If you ever wanted evidence for how backwards Canada can be then consider this; Quebec is their deep south.

#15 Relationships

2009-04-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

Dating is like a can of Sparks. It's sugary, citrusy, and full of fail. And having multiple of both always ends in disappointment, waking up with a hangover, and not knowing who the person next to you is.

#14 Dress Code

2009-04-15T15:06:00.000-07:00

Pants are the noose that restrict freedom of movement and form. Fight for freedom by not wearing any.

#13 - Collapsing Modern Civilization

2009-03-24T12:46:00.001-07:00

To effectively collapse society and cause Generation Y and Generation Myspace to tear itself apart, all one has to do is instigate a game of "Murder, Marry, Screw" and turn it into a Facebook meme that everyone posts on.

#12 - California Geography

2009-03-24T12:36:00.000-07:00

Humboldt County, Santa Rosa, and Fresno comprise the armpits and asshole of California. If you live there then your sole purpose in life is to get out. If you don't agree, then you either never been to these places, or are proud to be a Californian Redneck.

#11 - Twitter

2009-03-20T11:46:00.000-07:00

Improve your twitter experience by adding the words "because I beat up small children" after every tweet.

#10 - Social Faux Pas

2009-03-20T02:02:00.001-07:00

A reach around is not an appropriate way to greet people at a silent auction. It is however, a perfect way to start a conversation.

#9 - Hygiene

2009-03-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

When going out in public, one should always wear deodorant of some sort. Should you lack deodorant, a can of potpourri spray works as effectively and will bring a fresh springtime scent to your armpits.

#8 - Workplace Safety

2009-03-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

You know what any office or cubicle needs that's critical to a safe working environment? A sword. How else would you fend for your life?

#7 - Dating tips for men

2009-03-16T23:26:00.000-07:00

No matter how good an idea it may seem, never pick up a girl at a battered women's shelter. It's worse than trying to pick up a girl at a funeral home.

#6 - Taco Bell

2009-03-16T18:59:00.000-07:00

It's scientific fact that Taco Bell's entire menu of items starts to decompose the moment it comes into contact with air so a typical person has roughly two or three minutes to consume their meal before it tastes like shame and disappointment.

#5 - Tips for females

2009-03-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

If you're a female and ever on a bad date that you want to get out of, just very seriously interrupt the other person with the statement "oh man, my balls itch." Warning, may not deter people in San Francisco.

#4 - Bright Ideas

2009-03-16T18:53:00.000-07:00

For gods sake never combine magic mushrooms, cheap alcohol, and Indian Casinos.

#3 - Charity

2009-03-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

You know how some strip clubs have guys giving away door passes so you don't have to pay the cover? And you know how the homeless are always asking for a dollar because they have no shelter and lead miserable lives? Take the door passes to the strip club and hand them to the homeless. Pat yourself on the back knowing you're giving the gift of shelter and entertainment. Hell, I hear the passes are a 10 dollar value.

#2 - Ethnic Relations

2009-03-16T18:48:00.000-07:00

The reason why Chinese people and Irish people can get along greatly. We go all the way back to the railroads. Nothing says my homey like laying some tracks.

#1 - Your fortune cookie initiation post.

2009-03-16T16:59:00.001-07:00

A mason jar is the finest beverage receptacle on the planet. It's for those times you're thirsty and want more than a pint glass but less than a Big Gulp. Ever had a mason jar martini? It says I'm classy, and my drink is spill proof and holds more.